Today marks 8 weeks since our beloved eldest daughter (and child) went to the arms of Jesus.  I’m not sure anyone can ever be prepared for the worst news of their lives. I suppose there are worst things, but right now I can think of none. My emotions go from sadness to anger to disbelief in a matter of minutes.

I’ve been writing down some thoughts on grief and how it is affecting me. People have said in the past, “Grief comes in waves.” I cannot think of a better explanation.  The first few weeks the waves were constant.  I could not even think of her name, “Kayla”, without breaking down. I couldn’t pick up an article of her clothing, or read anything she had written. It was like I was never going to be able to walk, sleep, or live again.

But, life has to continue.

Pretty soon after the news, our focus turned into creating a beautiful memorial service, which I believe it was. Going through pictures, collecting memorabilia, anticipating family visiting, it all kept my mind moving. Then, Bam! It was over. Family left, memorabilia put back in boxes, ironed clothing hung on hangars in the closet.

Since then the waves are still present. But, they are less expected. Here’s some examples:

Sitting in church, and on the big screen you find out your church is having a celebration. The date is her birthday.

Looking at your 7 year old while he’s looking at your phone. “Why does it say Kayla is in our house? I thought she was in heaven.”

Riding in the car and a song comes on that she loved.

You get the picture.  I continue to go (run) to scripture to get my Comfort, Guidance, Healing (even though it feels like not much has taken place). I’d like to share some of those Words that have been breathed by God, and have kept me “walking without fainting” (Isaiah 40:30)

For comfort in knowing He is with me and will never leave me:

Isaiah 43:1-3 “But now says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior.”

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I could copy volumes of scripture for this topic. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.

For the hope I have, knowing where Kayla is.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no HOPE. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”

Kayla is with our Heavenly Father, perfect and whole.

For the hope I have, knowing where all of His people (including me) will be

1 Thessalonians 4:15-18 “For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself  will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore ENCOURAGE one another with these words.”

Talk about encouraging! Even if I don’t die and meet Jesus before He comes again, I will be going to Him forever. These words from Paul, breathed by God, are such a lifter of my soul.

Again, there are so many scriptures that speak of this, but I’m trying to keep my readers awake. Ha!

For the hope in knowing my suffering is not wasted

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

As hard as it is to swallow some days, these afflictions are momentary. My life is just a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes (James 4:14). This helps me to have an eternal perspective of why I’m suffering. And there is a promise that I can comfort others because of my own suffering.

Hope in knowing this is our temporary home here on earth

2 Corinthians 5:1-2 “For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling.”

Philippians 1:21-23 “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.”

This is a rather long first post after almost one year. But, I’d like to end with a verse that again, I have gone back to numerous times. It’s so counterintuitive to our earthly minds and bodies, but it’s spoken through Peter. 1 Peter 4:12-13 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”

Is my joy and hope always seen outwardly as I cry and throw laundry baskets across the room when I’m feeling angry? Is it seen when I’m running and tears are rolling down my face? Is it seen when I’m grumpy to my other children because I just can’t do life that day? Definitely not,  but I pray for grace from God and from other humans. And I hope that through this suffering I can exhibit the perpetual joy we are to have, even in the face of suffering.

Blessings,

Sonya